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MY HUSBAND AND I LOVE EACH OTHER BUT WE WANT TO LIVE IN SEPA

By Rev. Caio Fabio - MEU MARIDO E EU NOS AMAMOS, MAS QUEREMOS VIVER EM CASAS SEPARADAS Para: contato@caiofabio.com Assunto: ME DÊ SUA OPINIÃO! Data: 26/09/04 04:09 First, I would like to register my admiration for you. Your courage and the realistic way through which you face life makes it simpler!!! Well, let’s get straight to the point... I’ve been married since 1999. I met my husband at our church and it was all I had always wanted. I was born in an evangelical home and dreamed of marrying a “man of God”.At this point I met “Antonio” and after 4 years of dating we decided to get married in an attempt to seek the will of God. We were pretty much involved with church activities: youth, theater, music and teaching. In short: we were prompt to serve. By the second to third year of marriage “Antonio” decided to quit church. He said he would search for his real “self”, and that church would only repress him. At the beginning, It came as a shock to me. I kept wondering: Where is God in all this! I really shocked! Afterwards, I searched for therapy (which helped me a lot). I have to admit that even before marriage “Antonio” had his ups and downs concerning his faith (of course I couldn’t see things this way). For being intellectual he would restrain some "rules of faith" and wouldn’t let the Holy Spirit conduct him.I can understand him, cause I am kind of intellectual too and I know that faith and reason sometimes clash. But I expected the Almighty God to interfere. I believed that He would reveal himself to “Antonio” in some way... Five years have passed and we have agreed that living together is tough (we don’t have children). It’s curious to note that the Antonio after-church is much better that the evangelical version. It is also hard to confess that I feel like splitting up. Here is what “Antonio” proposed to me yesterday: to live in separate apartments and to continue to see each other like lovers/daters. I mean: married but free. It is liberty that counts. It is not a matter of dating around.I have considered this hypothesis. But I am afraid my family and church might reject me. It is not easy for a “church-born” woman to overcome so many pre-manufactured concepts. It’s just that I keep asking: what is the real meaning of life? Is it to leave home early, work at a company for eight hours under pressure, competition, meanness??? I guess that life is much more than that. Antonio and I really get along well. He says that I am every man´s dream woman! Not only due to my physical attributes, but to the person I am: tender and thoughtful. He tells me that his colleagues are often on the warpath with their wives because they are unbearably annoying. Instead, our case is distinct since I am neither annoying, domineering or jealous. He adds that the problem is with him not with me. But even at that, I am not succeeding in keeping up my marriage. What really bothers me are my recurrent thoughts: I see the devil celebrating in joy and repeating: - I’ve got one more victory!!! And the worst part of it is that I am allowing it to happen. I guess that I wouldn’t be so angry if solution were separation of households. But I don’t want to mystify, I want to be practical. I feel as If I lived in the baroque age: My “self” wants to blossom but it is being asphyxiated by the church’s dogmas.I hope I have made myself clear and wait anxiously for an answer. Hugs, _______________________________________________________ Reply: My dear friend: Find out your own comfort!To live is to achieve your own comfort. That is: finding the means that will make your existence possible. Ethics means finding the comfort in which existence is viable and a place where life is possible. In fact, ethics works like a roof to life. Religious morality propose people not to build their own houses and roof. Instead, it sells pre-manufactured houses and people are supposed to accept this industrial model in which such “houses” are made in series. Those who marry want a “house”. And each marriage is entitled to find its own ethical-house. What is an ethical house? It is the means by which the marital tie protects itself and finds its own comfort. Actually, many marriages come to an end because they can’t withstand life in the pre-manufactured-ethical house made by conventions. Every couple should have the freedom to ponder on the best way to live. This is none of nobody else’s business. Decide on how a couple should live their married life sounds dreadfully arrogant! If this possibility appears to be convenient and pleases both of you, as heterodox as it may seem to religious standards, just take it easy. It is infinetly better to have a marriage in which both are happy in the pact than a marriage where covenant is kept in profound disagreement. It is advisable for you not to have children while this situation doesn’t come to a solution. At least until you see if the ethical-house gives you emotional safety and comfort. A marriage without kids grants great freedom! You don’t even have conflict about children!This is my opinion!Bear in mind that this will be an unpleasant alternative. Your husband is eager to live elsewhere, while you just agree to it. Forcing to keep the conventional standard will only grant you the impossibility of marriage. I know couples who have lived like this for years and still get along well.If things will work out well, only time will say. Hugs, Caio